Friday, January 13, 2006

Gourmet Kopi

Drinking is not an easy affair any longer. I am not referring to drinking neat or straight, of wines or spirits. God forbid. Not a single drop has ever gone down my throat. I am referring to drinking tea or coffee. Not just at the flashy joints like Starbucks or Coffee Beans at the KLCC, but even at the mamak joints.

I.


You: “Mamak, err, teh satu!”
Waiter: “Teh tarik ke tarak?”
"Tarak tarik."
“Sejuk ke panas ke?”
“Panas.”
“Teh Lipton ke, Boh ke, Darjeeling ke, hijau ke, Ceylon ke, Cina ke, Chamomile ke, Earl Grey ke, ……….. dan, dan, dan ….”
”Errrr ….. bagi teh biasa la!"
"Besar ke kecil?“
"Kecil!“
”Mau gula lebih ke, sikit gula ke?”
”Sikit gula!”
”Gula biasa ke sweetener ke?”
”Biasa!”
”White ke brown ke?”
”errr.... brown!”
"Halia mau ke?
"Tak mau!"
”Susu mau ke?”
”Mau!”
”Susu pekat ke, si ke, lembu ke?”
”Ah, lembu la!”
”Kepala mau ke?”
”Har? Apa kepala?”
”Err, err, …. ” (waiter could not explain since he is a new arrival from Nepal)
”Ah bagi air mineral saja la!”
”Worait”
.
.
.
After a while he comes back,
“Inci, air mineral finish, RO can?”
“OK, OK”, temper now flaring up,
“Mau ada gas ke, tak da gas?”

It never ends!
If you had then opted for tap water and tell him that it is too complicated to order and that you are having a throbbing headache, he would probably ask,
"Mau ubat ke? Ponstan, Aspirin, Triptan?"
"PONSTAN!"
"500 mg ke 1000 mg?

For all you know he was an MO in Kathmandu.

II.

Wak Shamsi whom I had known for years is a coffee planter in Banting. When I met him last at the kurban, he was complaining of the declining output from his crops. Well not really declining, he explained, production had been good but harvest was poor. “How could that be?” I inquired, “Well, musang. Pancilik betul. Abih kopi ditelan. Tinggalnya aja taik, berderet-deret.” What more could I say, just “Sabar Wak, sabar.”

Actually what Wak does not know is that he could have been rich from the taik musang. Internationally this coffee is known as Kopi Luwak. Luwak being Indonesian for civet-cats. It is the world’s rarest gourmet coffee produced as the ripe beans are being passed through the digestive systems of the civet cats or musang. During the passing through, the beans got depulped and only the removed skins got digested. The depulped seeds that remained undigested became pickled overnight by the acid and the enzymes in the intestines, and then discharged in nice piles the next morning.


Kopi Luwak is a major export of Java, Sumatra and Celebes and today it fetches an average of USD75 (RM300) per quarter pound.


Just before Jumaat today, I excitedly called him to inform of the new opportunity that could make him rich. “Apa? Mau suruh aku jual taik? Haish, nanti orang bilang Wak dah gila. Malam-malam ajar ngaji, siang-siang jual taik!”

Well Wak, I was just proposing. But I am glad that he did not even hesitate to answer.

Coffee, anyone?

Shall I now tell you of my Filippino friend, Senor Key, a diabetic who claims that his health is now rapidly improving since he started having for breakfast fresh warm urine?

15 comments:

abdullahjones said...

kopi taik musang, kopi jenis saya. saya suka. amat!

usha said...

Tuan,

U give me idea laa.Tengah dok pikir nak tanam ape kat kebun kami tuu..emm kaya!kaya

By the way, apa hukumnya disisi Islam ?Dalam kategori apa kopi tu?

Den cuma berani amal minum air kosong bangun tido je

Ku Keng said...

AJ: Aku minum kopi sebentar sambil memikirkan apakah metapor yang terselit dalam ayat anda. Samada anda ni musang dan suka mencuri biji kopi atau pun ...?
Usha:Hai usha, anda mempunyai masalah yang serius. Pukul 3.00 pagi masih memikir-memikir tentang nak berkebun apa? Ingat tak lagu P Ramlee, Pukul 3 Pagi? Bagi kopi satu cawan... Agaknya dia pun minum Kopi Luwak.

Hukum? Ha itu kena tanya Indah Water atau Zoo Negara atau terbaiknya AJ.

dr in the house said...

Yes I read about Kopi Luwak 2 yrs ago and how the Americans are willing to pay high for it . I assume they wash the semi-digested beans first before processing them? And then there's the question of transmitted disease from the civets!

Does Senor Key drink his own urine or a non-diabetic's? Because logically speaking his own will be laden with sugar and that won't help isnt it? But this world is so full of irony that I wont be surprised that his own urine has an antidote for his illness!

BTW since you mention coffee beans and the likes, I heard the whipped cream they use sprayed from a can are laced heavily with non-halal emulsifiers...???

kecik @ Arjunna said...

Tuan Keng, aiseyman, u pergi ke Kayu tak ajak teman ke? Ye sekarang teman pun sudah amat confused tentang minuman. Jadi paling baik, teman suruh emak teman buat air teh tarok dalam Thermos.

Kopi Luwak tu di kampung teman pun banyak. Yang dok kutip tu anak buah Tok-Tok Batin je. Orang kampung teman minum Horlicks.

Anonymous said...

Encik. Saya dari SPCA. Perbuatan menarik ekor binatang tu seperti dalam gambar yang dilengkapkan adalah salah mengikut Akta Salahlaku Terhadap Binatang, yang sekarang ni On Hold. Belum diluluskan. Sesiapa yang melakukan kezaliman atau bersubhat dengan perbuatan itu termasuk membeli kopi tersebut, atau mewar-warkan tentang kehebatan barangan tersebut, akan kelak disabitkan dibawah Artikel 50 (iv) dalam Akta tersebut. Harap maklum.

- Lin

Anonymous said...

Ayah Keng

Kopi O peng serr!!! Janji rasa kopi tak rasa taik...

....and i drink, i drink, i drink.

Itu Kathmandu MO ada sambung lagi..

Kathmandu MO : Itu Panadol mau slow atau fast release?
Ambo : Fast release!
Kathmandu MO : Mau tablet atau evanescent?
Ambo : Gapo dio ebenesen?
Kathmandu MO : Itu Panadol ayer punya.
Ambo : Okey lah kasi ebenesen!!!

....and i drink, i drink, i drink.


Ambo

sya said...

Tuan ... saya cuma makan... tahi minyak, kueh tahi itek dan saya amat suka mengunyah tahi kopi yg emak saya kata amat bagus utk menguatkan gigi. Cuma skrg ni amat sukar mencari tahi kopi kerana kebanyakan kopi sekarang telah dikisar seamat halusnya.

Saya amat pelik bila ramai orang berkata bahawa petua utk menghilangkan mengantuk adalah dengan meminum kopi. Bagi saya sepekat mana pun kopi saya masih boleh lena tido.

Haiyaaa tergeliat lidah weh...

Ku Keng said...

Puan Dr:Dalam mencuba teori similia similibus curentur takut-takut meminum air kencing tu menjadi similia similibus fatalis. Yang najis tetap najis, senang saja. Terlampau banyak e-mel tentang bahan-bahan haram dalam makanan segera tetapi tak ada pun penyiasatan dari JAKIM untuk mengesahkan hal-hal tersebut. Tetapi emulsifier hanya haram apabila diglyceride dari sumber binatang. Tak pasti whipped cream yang digunakan dari sumber mana.

Arjunna: Teman dah sms kome untuk ajak ke Kayu, tetapi kome ni tidur memanjang je sampai subuh pun dalam waktu asar!

Lin Tuan Lin: Sumpah itu bukan tangan saya yang menarik ekor musang tu, mungkin tangan AJ. Kerana dia amat suka kopi taik musang.

Ambo: Ebenesen ko out of fesyen. Demo ni semenjok dok di Kualo Lupor ning, tak sir nok belajor kkecek bbetor. Hor guano motorsikal Harley dok leh wak masuk doh ko Malaysia ning?

Sya: Kopi sekarang mengikut kajian SIRIM penuh dengan tempurung kelapa yang dikisar halus. Har, sebab tu tak mujarab nak melawan ngantuk. Tapi cuba tanya Usha macam mana dia boleh berjaga sampai pukul 3.00 pagi, dok blogging lagi kelmarin.

Sekian adanya.

usha said...

kopi 'kaw' satu! takmau kopi 'musang'

Ku Keng said...

Usha: Dah pukoi sebelaih dah. Baik hang pi tidoq. Pasai semalam hang tak tidoq.

usha said...

Tuan,

saya susah nak tidur,takut biji kopi kat kebun tu dimakan dek musang tapi dia 'buang' kat tempat lain. rugi saya. kenalah lawat selalu.

Nita said...

Tuan,

Saya tak pernah dengar ceriter psl Kopi Luwak ni..nasib saya bukan kaki kopi.

Biasa mat salleh yang memang suker sgt kopi pekat2 ni. Di ofis saya ada sorang consultant French yang giler kopi punye. Secawan 12 sudu kopi (ie nescafe ler..kat ofis) guna, & gula sesudu teh aje. Pulak tu satu hari 3 cawan kopi minum...bayangkan kos nye.

Tak lama mgmt pun haramkan nescafe kat ofis..
alkisahnye...

Ku Keng said...

Usha:
Hai tak bangun-bangun tidur lagi ke?
Nita:
Jangan bagi muka kat Expatriate sangat. Di negeri dia nak dapat minuman tu macam nak mintak mas. Dah tu bukan free. Pasal kena pakai kopun. Lain kali tunjuk blog tu kat dia. Dan katakan yang dihidangkan di ofis adalah Kopi Luwak.

k.. said...

tok keng,

saya ni tak minum kopi.. boleh tak tok buat cita pasai air milo ka..yogurt lassi ka..yg org muda dok minum... ni asik air kopi la tah la..semua tu buat penyakit..takdak ko cita pasai air yg berkhasiat.. yg buleh bagi tenaga..mato saya ni dah mengantuk.. sejuk2 ni..dpt bantal best ni...